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New Years New Tears – Healing the Self

February 10, 2015
Healing the self

I made a funny comment about Starbucks on facebook yesterday, a couple of days before that I woke up and I did not remember getting in bed and yet here I set listening to zen garden pandora pondering the ways of healing the self.

Years ago I wrote a private blog about how difficult it was to sleep because of this horrible rash that had developed all over my body. Long story short after being on three different drugs and misdiagnosed three times my caretaker had to do a biopsy. Final diagnosis, nummular dermatitis.

What the hell is that?

Who knows? I basically have a “chronic condition” which means I could be allergic to air for all they know. Well, I have my own theory about these outbreaks as during the last few days they have returned. I have no desire to return to that personal hell.

I know why it’s happening again. I’m out of sync with myself. The body doesn’t like how I’m treating it of late. My state of mind is would up in this new-found stress of taxes, insurance, the state of the nation and other things hardly within the grasp of my control. I’m getting old. I feel like this is it. And while part of me has very little problem with that there are a few days when I go back to feeling as if I am “not enough,” rather than just feeling “I am.” My once therapist might remind me of my shame spirals and my tendency to abuse alcohol.

I used to lay there and feel the energy spinning inside of me, hitting the edge of my skin from the inside, nowhere to go.

Put all that aside. Last night I lay there with that same tingling feeling underneath my skin, all of it. I resist the urge to scratch cause I know this just makes welts, bumps and makes me look even more like some lizard person with raised skin all over. It has happened.

Now here’s where I get serious (though this isn’t the Sunday Soapbox). Unless I’m wrong and I don’t think I am, I am on the verge of some new understanding of my body, a greater unity of mind, body and for lack of a better word, spirit.

That old Borders building in Chicago recently made the news as it’s getting turned into a gym; maybe I’ll join that gym. While I was managing that Borders I read about so many things (around 200+ books) primarily metaphysics, physics and religion… in search of some great answer to all. During these readings I encountered numerous texts concerning chakras, energetic centers that exist within the body. I was fascinated.


I explored the idea of these main centers within our energetic spectrum, visualizing them, activating them, making them “spin” if you will. What I have to understand as of last night is that I have a spiritual “blockage” I guess. And I have to say that this “blockage” derives directly from my belief in God, or rather in the Western understanding of God. I have long abandoned my Christian upbringing because it is simply unhealthy but that does not mean that I am no longer haunted with the daunting dogmatic dilemma.

As I lay there last night I envisioned this spinning, these vibrations, the very energy inside of my not just hitting the inside of my skin but rather radiating out of me. I lay there in the night, excepting all my sins, loving my every loss freeing myself of this idea of absolute judgement. I became darkly radiant.

I have a lot to give this world, either on a one-to-one or a one-to-all ratio but what I ultimately give is my own decision, as it is for all of us. Too much whiskey might be fun on occasion but I want to be past that point in my life… plus who enjoys feeling their insides die.

We all have our demons and we all have our angels but none of them hold us to a greater judgement, a know-all, end-all supreme being. I release myself of this nonsense. And a random thanks to Stephen Fry.

Let’s get it all out-of-the-way with new years and new tears and discover better ways of healing the self.


The Right Time … for Who

December 18, 2014

I was walking home today from work, feeling dirty. Not because of my ongoing romps in the bedroom but because of the street view and the view of the given circumstance… it’s the right time for change. A man I admire once told me this:

It’s all in how you frame it.

Today is 12/13/14 and I have always been a fan of dates, not necessarily the romantic ones.

Today I came out of debt for the first time since I was 17.” It was the right time to be debt free… and embrace debt forgiveness (if you’re the government or some shit).

It is time to actually make something. The taste that is left in my mouth by serving a company or a product that sells false hope or remains worthless is far worse than the bitterest or the sourest percimmon.

I walked by that place where that guy got shot a few days ago. There were about 12 candles surrounding a bottle or orange soda and a picture of Jesus. I just stopped and stared at it for about two minutes. I wonder who put these things here?

As I write part of this a friend sits behind me. I have never written while someone literally watched over my shoulder. Everything changes when it is being observed, even on a subatomic level. Being made up of all those little particles, it is a logical notion to be aware that our awareness of being watched changes everything. What happens when the watching ends?

Dance like no one’s watching.

Today is the right time for you to love you. Often times we all beat ourselves up over missteps in relationships, our financial debt or whatever else we perceive as shortcomings. I have probably mentioned it once before somewhere in these pages but a dear friend once said to me the following, little line which still rings as dear to me than ever before.

Hey, you are enough.

While hearing this in the midst of a dramatic, mid-twenties nervous breakdown it certainly wasn’t a moment of clarity. Yet, the more I have thought about those simple words, the clearer it all becomes. It’s not what I haven’t done or have yet to do, it’s what I have done. It’s not what you didn’t get, it’s what you’ve got.

the right time

In our nation we are taught to compete. While competition is good for the market when the veil of “economic prosperity” is lifted where do you find yourself? How do we “compete” in a cycle where money is simply meant to trickle down for a bit only to rise back up to the top in the forms of fees, insurance, interest, student loans and the income tax. Seems far from the light side of the perspective to dwell on such realities yet I somehow manage a smile to find myself at a break even point in my life.

And I met someone new.


Boy he made me smile so much yesterday. I wonder if I will ever see him again.

Nonetheless, “it’s all in how you frame it.” Right Jerre?

A really big, tall, Native America guy once said to me “I fall in love a hundred times a day if I’m lucky.” However many fleeting moments I have had with so many men who have turned and ran for the hills matters not. What does matter is the small moments of happiness we both had before they were gone.

Money, love, sex, relationships, bills, work, random thoughts… it all adds up to getting lost in the muck. I remind myself of these quotes and know that I am “enough” and it is all in the way I “frame it” and that it’s o.k. for me to “fall in love a hundred times a day.” One day it will be returned in an unquestionable way that leaves me knowing that it’s the right time… but as for who, who knows.

Not the Right Time…

November 23, 2014

I cannot for the life of me figure out whether or not I even like him anymore. The term self-sabotage comes to mind.


It has been over a year. This guy and I have been talking sporadically due, in part, to his hectic work schedule (or possible to his already being in a relationship of which I know nothing). What’s the other part? It’s gotta be that good ole, indecisive “do I want a relationship or not” mentality. I know. I created that mentality.




Let me make one thing perfectly clear. We have not had sex yet. Well, we haven’t gone all the way. You know, cause in the gay world blow jobs are like handshakes. “Good to meet you. See you later.” I actually had one guy mouth “thank you” (while he was on the phone) followed by a quick wave on his way out the door, but that was last Tuesday so that’s neither here nor there.

not the right time

Back to the guy at hand, the one. So, “what happened to that one guy?” my friend Becca asks. I share, “well it’s been about six weeks and I was abiding by my rule. I’ll text ya once or twice and call once. If I don’t hear from ya I figure you have moved on to the next John.” My name is not John nor am I a prostitute. Otherwise, I would be rich.


“That sucks. We all really liked him.” Becca was right. It did suck. He was… is a nice guy… from what I know. He is certainly not a one not stand in any sense of the word. We have had multiple dates. He has met a handful of my friends and I have spent the night once. Plus, I still have a light jacket of his from last Fall. This is what I get from him last night.


What up”

The infamous booty call text message. “What’s up… sup… yo” They all mean the same thing. Let’s have sex right now. Can you magically appear in front of me and be totally in the mood for some lovin’? In this instance the answer is no mainly because this particular text message arrived at 4:28 a.m. this morning. No one in the world is awake during that time (Central Time Zone). Maybe some people gotta get up at 4:30 for work but not 4:28.


I could not really wrap my head around that because even the bar crawlers should be asleep right around then… and he is not a bar crawler though he had to have been drunk to text me at that time. What did I reply?

“You woke me up, that’s ‘what up'”

This was followed by some short swear words after I realized that I was going to be so tired in the morning as my perfected 1.5 hour increment sleeping cycle had been broken. I am so tired of typing this. Beauty rest is more than beauty rest, it’s leg rest, arm rest, eyeball rest. Uggg, my eyeballs. What did he reply?

“Ha ok then go back to bed ?”


What did I reply? Nothing.


I was so pissed, am pissed and will be pissed for about ten more minutes. First of all, I do not care if you are hitting me up for a booty call. Sometimes it’s very cute to me. However, I do very much care if you are not respecting the thing called sleep. I will throw things at you.


Look for my follow up YouTube video about this late night, booty call business.


There’s just too many guys in the mix of late and not one of them has made a stance to really attempt to claim me, not that they could cause I guess in one sense every guy is very similar. We want what we can’t have, often take for granted the things that we do have and feel bitter and contempt when someone is honest enough to say “I am not into it.” … Yawn. I think that about covers all I can say about it for now… at least until the third cup of coffee.


Golly he’s such a good guy, smart, motivated, handsome and more. Still, 4:28, its not the right time.


Thanks Danny.

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