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Breaking the Silence

November 11, 2014

It has been too long. During this magical day I found myself revisiting.

“Damn, I have to do something around the house. I can’t just waste two days off back to back, playing Bioshock,” is what I would have uttered to myself had I been able to speak during the last 48 to 72 hours. Around the time the seasons change something always goes into shock, remission, chaos or just plain goes bad. This time ’round, as Chicago tries to decide whether it is Spring, Fall or Winter I sound more like a witch than ever.

It started on Saturday night, a noticeable loss. Sometimes we just have to hide before we emerge.

breaking the silence

“Why do you sound like a girl?” some precious little child asked during a typical birthday party at RobotCity. “Because I lost my voice,” I said to her sounding terribly frightening. Later on she adds, “He sounds like a girl but he’s a boy,” to the room at large (just in case they were confused, as some often are it seems).

The next day I am unable to make even the most pitiful attempts at speech, instead I rest up and meet up with one of the most beautiful young men I have met to date. Though, we weren’t meeting to date. That was my problem.

This young man and I had been texting back and forth for some time and he undoubtedly convinced me to come over while his roommate was out. Do the math.

I disclosed very early on that I might not be in performance mode as I had been drinking whiskey (hottie totties) and plus I was a bit nervous. After a touch a text drama I new that I needed to meet this guy tonight. We had blown one another off on too many occasions and it kind of felt like a now or never thing.

Let me just say, I am totally comfortable being naked. As we both lay there he asks what he can do to “put [me] at ease.” “I am at ease,” I mutter in the most gutteral way. He then asks what he can do? I told him, “just being here is enough.” I liked looking at him. I liked kissing him. I liked the way his skin felt beneath my fingers as I traced his body. Yet, it’s gone, like they are all gone.

“Well do you think you’ll get your groove back by then?” he asks after telling me that he will be moving to Aurora on December 1st. The story of my life used to involve meeting a beautiful man whereupon we split ways six weeks later, clockwork. I guess now even that has sped up.

I confessed to him. As he pondered why I wasn’t on top of him, full throttle I let him know that my mind just landed on thoughts such as why had we not met before this bed. Probably the last I will see of him. Though, I hope not. He really is a sweet, beautiful young mind with a kind soul.

Oh, I must have glanced through three hundred photos today looking for just the right ones. I changed up an old frame from portrait style to landscape but still wanted it to remind me of those beautiful faces from college life, Jeanette, Aliza, Richard, Amanda, Alice, Jenny, Denise and so many more.

You know that feeling of wandering? I imagine we all get it from time to time whether we realize the feeling or not. Today on this 11/11/14 a different guy came to pick me up. We went back to his place and watched A Most Wanted Man. Queen of the Damned was on in the background earlier while I was fixing up that frame. Odd line up of movies in my mind.

Oh yeah, and some dick left another queer quote on my YouTube channel today questioning my gender. I refuse to type “laugh out loud,” but it was kind of funny considering a little girl basically said the same thing in her own vocabulary. Crazy.

My date was a sweetheart and dropped me off at the door. Guess that’s the last time I’ll ever see him. Well, it should be. He’s getting too close already and I don’t want him to be. My mind is on someone else, a couple of someone elses actually.

I walk back into my place. I take off my shoes, slowly sliding in socks past my refreshed frame.

I do not claim to be a religious person anymore. I have been done with that for some time as I think most if not all should be, but when I awaken out of the flux for just a few moments I feel blessed. I am reminded of a message I created earlier in life, I am a religion.

In this silence I have been reminded the power of my words, the power of all of our words. For those who have been in doubt, lost, in depression, feeling worthless as if nothing you have done will amount to anything… reframe those thoughts.

My friendtor (once mentor now dear, distant friend) once said to me after I released one of those darkly radiant sob stories on him, “Hey… you are enough.” He meant that just by my being me, I was enough in this world. That is still so hauntingly comforting to me even this night.

I am happy I am getting my voice back.

“You are enough.”

This year, these days, this night find yourself revisiting. Find yourself breaking the silence.

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